Patricia’s Story
October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month. Earlier this month I teamed up with Sonder and Spirit Photography and 11 incredible women from all different walks of life. Miscarriage, stillbirth, infertility, and more. Stories of love, life and loss.
It was such privilege working with Patricia for this project. Hearing her voice and bits of her story during our shoot was incredibly beautiful and emotional. About halfway through her time slot it started raining, and Patricia looked at Sydney and I and said- “these are my four angel babies crying for me”. Her words have not left me since.
This is Patricia’s story.
“How do you even start writing about heartbreak and loss that runs so deep it knocks you down till you feel like there is nothing left. Nothing left to hope for, and nothing left in your arms but only a hole in your heart the size of the galaxy. I never thought this would be us.
My Husband and I met 12 years ago, we knew within the year of first dating that we were meant to be. We talked about our hopes and dreams, of having a family and growing old together. The summer of 2010 we exchanged vows and were looking forward to what life had for us ahead. We settled in for the first 6 years of marriage, we were not in a rush to start our family. So focused on our marriage being a firm foundation, we talked about waiting until it was the right time. 2016 rolled around, and we realized there is never a right moment to start a family, and so our journey began. It was right around early Spring, we had been trying for a couple months. I took a pregnancy test like all the previous month's, but this one was different. There was the faintest of lines. My first positive pregnancy test. I didn't share it with my husband, I was scared that if I said anything, that it wouldn't be real.
Two weeks later, I was in emergency because I was bleeding more than I normally would on any regular cycle. I was having my first Miscarriage at 6 weeks pregnant. Two days later I was back at work, back to my "life" as if nothing happened. It took some time for me to share this with my Husband, I felt like I was broken, my body just broken.
Months went by and our Family Doctor decided that it was time to move onto seeing a Gynaecologist. They wanted to rule out PCOS and anything else that could be preventing me from getting pregnant and staying pregnant. I had every test done, some more invasive than others. Results came back inconclusive. Our specialist found it was best to start with a medicated cycle of clomid with a trigger shot to induce ovulation. We moved forward with it and resulted in a chemical pregnancy. We decided after this second loss that I needed a break mentally and physically. In the fall of 2017, without the help of medication I was able to get pregnant again, it quickly resulted in another miscarriage at 6 weeks.
I was broken down, a shell of a person. Everywhere I looked, friends and family were getting pregnant and staying pregnant. I was angry and frustrated that my own body couldn't do the one thing I prayed for the most. To give my husband and myself a Child, a biological child that was ours.
The winter of 2018, My family Doctor gave me a second referral to another fertility clinic in great hopes that answers would be found and that we would have a baby in our arms. We started our first medicated cycle of Letrozole with hopes my body would naturally allow itself to ovulate on its own. January 2019 I was pregnant again, excited beyond belief. Hopeful that this was going to be our rainbow baby we had prayed for. This was our first cycle with the new clinic. They followed up with a beta test, my numbers were low but they would follow up with more blood work to see if the numbers continued to increase. Before I could go for more blood work, I was at emergency with immense abdominal pain. My worst fear was that I was going through an ectopic pregnancy and could loose one of my tubes. 5 days of back and forth to the hospital, It was confirmed I was experiencing another miscarriage. My baby was gone. Waves of grief flooded over me, the thought of getting up and continuing on took every ounce of strength I had left. We took a cycle off to let my body heal and then jumped right back into our cycles with the clinic. 5 cycles later and nothing to show for it, I had a full mental break down. I went to my family doctor to seek help for Anxiety and Depression. I was at a loss, coming to terms with infertility, the loss of my 4 babies, the fear of never having children of my own. In the midst of getting help for my mental health, my body had been going with postpartum. It was like another blow to me. To have to go through postpartum with no baby in my arms was heartbreaking. We finished our remaining cycles with the clinic with no results in a positive pregnancy. Our next option is to move onto IVF, but the cost of doing one cycle is beyond our reach. Here I am at the age of 35, with 4 Angel babies and living with infertility.
I hope that opening up about my story, and the struggles I have faced will let Women know they are not alone in this. I am still praying for my rainbow baby and will not lose hope, I know that my body hasn't failed me.”
